What Is Toxic Positivity and How to Avoid It

You may have heard the term "toxic positivity," but what does it really mean? Can positivity actually be toxic? The answer is yes.

According to Tabitha Kirkland, a psychologist and associate teaching professor at the University of Washington’s Department of Psychology, "Toxic positivity is a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions instead of affirming them and could come from a place of discomfort."

Examples of Toxic Positivity

• Hiding or masking your true feelings with phrases like "I’m fine" or "everything is okay" when you clearly aren't.
• Trying to "just get on with it" by ignoring or suppressing emotions.
• Feeling guilty for experiencing certain emotions.
• Minimizing others' experiences with statements like "just think positive," "don’t worry, be happy!" or "if I can do it, so can you."
• Attempting to give perspective (e.g., "it could be worse") instead of validating someone's emotional experience.
• Shaming others for expressing anything other than positivity, such as insisting on "good vibes only!"
• Brushing off concerns with phrases like "it is what it is" or "everything happens for a reason."

How Toxic Positivity Affects Relationships

Being overly positive can harm your relationships. If you consistently invalidate or minimize others' feelings with dismissive statements, people may see you as fake or difficult to connect with.

Toxic positivity can also negatively impact children. Kirkland explains, "With children, our impulse may be to tell them, 'You’re OK' or 'It’s not a big deal' or 'Stop crying, everything is fine.' This teaches them that their negative feelings aren’t OK and can influence how they develop emotional concepts and learn to express—or suppress—their emotions."

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity

The first step is practicing empathy. When we practice empathy, we genuinely meet others' needs by listening and supporting them. Empathy is essential for healthy relationships and helps strengthen our minds and connections.

Using toxic positivity phrases like "it’s not that bad" or "it could be worse" when friends confide in us can invalidate their feelings. Remember, often people just need someone to listen, not to offer feedback.

If someone does ask for feedback or encouragement, adjust your language to avoid toxic phrases. Here are some helpful alternatives:

• Avoid: "It’s all good!" Instead say: "I know this is really hard. I appreciate you sharing this with me."
• Avoid: "Be happy!" Instead say: "I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m here if you’d like to talk."
• Avoid: "Look on the bright side!" Instead say: "I’m not sure what to say. I want to help."
• Avoid: "Be positive!" Instead say: "That’s rough. I can understand why you’d feel that way. How can I help?"
• Avoid: "Be grateful!" Instead say: "That sounds difficult. How are you, really?"
• Avoid: "Good vibes only!" Instead say: "How are you? I want you to feel that you can be honest with me."