Understanding Sober Shaming and How to Handle It

Have you ever taken a break from drinking—maybe after a successful Dry January—only to find that some people aren't cheering you on? Instead of celebrating your positive change, you might face criticism, alienation, or even ridicule for not drinking. This frustrating experience is known as sober shaming: the social pressure to justify a healthy choice, which can leave you feeling isolated or talked about behind your back. In this article, we’ll explain what sober shaming really means and give you practical tools to handle it with confidence.

What Is Sober Shaming?

Shaming—criticizing or making fun of someone based on their appearance, actions, or beliefs—is all too common in today's world. Sober shaming is no different. It happens when someone makes you feel uncomfortable, wrong, or boring for choosing to drink less or stay sober. Whether you're skipping alcohol for an evening, a month, or permanently, it's a personal decision. When others shame you for it, they reinforce a culture where drinking is the default, not a choice.

Recognizing the Signs

Sober shaming often comes in the form of "joking" comments that might not seem harmful at first. Here are some common phrases you might hear:

• "But it's my birthday—just have one drink!"
• "You're not drinking? Why not?!"
• "You're doing that lame Dry January thing again?"
• "Oh, come on!"
• "Don't be boring!"
• "The night won't be the same if you're not getting drunk with us!"
• "You're so much more fun when you're drinking!"
• "You've been sober a long time—one drink won't hurt."

If these sound familiar, you're not alone. Recognizing these comments is the first step to preventing and overcoming sober shaming.

The Real Impact of Sober Shaming

What might seem like harmless teasing can have serious effects on mental health and reinforce unhealthy social norms around alcohol.

• Mental and Emotional Toll: Sober shaming can make you feel humiliated, embarrassed, or vulnerable, undermining your confidence. For those in recovery or changing their relationship with alcohol, this pressure can be a powerful trigger.
• Reinforcing Harmful Norms: By treating not drinking as strange, sober shaming upholds the idea that alcohol is necessary for socializing. Challenging this norm helps create a culture where personal well-being comes first.

Why Does Sober Shaming Happen?

Sober shaming usually isn't about you—it's about the other person's issues. Common reasons include:

• Insecurity About Their Own Drinking: People may project their doubts about their alcohol habits onto you.
• Discomfort With Change: Your positive choices might make others uneasy if they're used to the status quo.
• Superficial Relationships: So-called "friends" who shame you may not have your best interests at heart.

Building a supportive environment is key. This might mean joining a support group, connecting with sober friends, or checking in with a 24/7 community like the Forum on the Quitemate app.

How to Respond to Sober Shaming

If you're facing sober shaming, try these strategies:

• Speak Your Truth: Use simple, prepared responses like, "I'm not drinking tonight," or "I feel better when I don't drink."
• Band Together: Surround yourself with sober friends or allies who support your choice.
• Leave if Needed: Your well-being comes first—it's okay to excuse yourself from uncomfortable situations.
• Avoid Triggers: Skip events where you might feel pressured, or host your own alcohol-free gatherings.

Supporting Sober Friends

If you see someone else being shamed, you can help by:

• Defending them calmly or playfully.
• Changing the subject to something neutral.
• Celebrating their choice and joining them in solidarity (e.g., ordering mocktails).

Avoiding Accidental Sober Shaming

We can all help stop sober shaming by:

• Not questioning someone's decision not to drink.
• Asking before ordering alcohol for others.
• Offering non-alcoholic options at events.
• Removing negative comments about sobriety from our vocabulary.

Your Sobriety, Your Choice

Sober shaming is a real issue, but by raising awareness and supporting each other, we can create a more accepting culture. Wherever you are in your journey, remember: your health and choices matter.