When a Loved One's Drinking Affects You: Finding Support and Healing

In her novel Truly Madly Guilty , Liane Moriarty captures the painful experience of a child living with parents who misuse alcohol. She writes:

“When he was a kid, it used to feel like his parents disappeared when they got drunk. As the levels of their glasses went down, he could sense them pulling away from him, as if they were together on the same boat, slowly pulling away from the shore where Oliver was left stranded … and he'd think, Please don't go, stay here with me, because his real mother was funny and his real father was smart, but they always went. First his dad got stupid and his mum got giggly, and then his mum got nasty and his dad got angry, and so it went until there was no point staying and Oliver went to watch movies in his bedroom.”

If you've ever been close to someone struggling with substance misuse, you know how isolating it can feel. Fortunately, support is available for people in this difficult position. One key resource for those affected by a loved one's drinking is Al-Anon (and its teen version, Alateen). But what exactly is Al-Anon, and how does it differ from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? What can you expect from these meetings, and what are their advantages and drawbacks? Let’s explore.

The Ripple Effect of Alcohol Misuse

Alcohol misuse doesn't just impact the person drinking—it creates waves that touch families, friends, and communities, often leaving lasting emotional scars. Watching someone you care about transform into someone you barely recognize is heartbreaking.

Day-to-day life can become unpredictable, draining, and frightening. You might not know where they are at night, or they might be trying to change but repeatedly slipping back. Over time, the stress can make every day feel the same, with no end in sight.

Supporting Someone with Alcohol Misuse

Caring for someone in recovery or struggling with alcohol misuse can feel like a full-time job. A recent study in Geriatric Medicine titled “'I Can't Live Like That': The Experience of Caregiver Stress of Caring for a Relative with Substance Use Disorder” highlighted the strong connection between stress and caring for someone with a substance use disorder. The research identified four common themes among caregivers:

• Grieving the loss: Many feel they've lost the person they knew, replaced by someone altered by addiction.
• Living in dread and despair: The constant uncertainty makes it hard to relax, even during calm periods.
• Living in perpetual crisis: Caregivers often neglect their own needs and other family members because they're consumed with worry.
• Mitigating the impact of substance use in the family: Finding resources and people who understand can be challenging, but support—when found—can be life-changing.

Growing Up with Alcohol Misuse

For children in these environments, the challenges are unique and often more intense. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, as many as 1 in 5 Americans grew up around alcohol misuse. Children in these households commonly experience:

• Guilt from feeling unable to stop the drinking
• Anxiety due to unpredictable and sometimes frightening situations
• Confusion from erratic behavior
• Embarrassment in front of peers
• Anger from unmet needs and broken trust

These burdens can lead to higher risks of substance use, depression, anxiety, or behavioral issues later in life.

Healing from Past Trauma

Struggles related to a loved one's addiction aren't always in the present. Past trauma, such as growing up with a parent who misused alcohol, can leave deep wounds that affect current well-being. Addressing this history is essential for becoming your healthiest, happiest self.

Al-Anon: Support for Families and Friends

Al-Anon, short for "Alcoholics Anonymous Family Groups," is a fellowship for relatives and friends of those struggling with alcohol. Members share experiences, offer mutual support, and apply Al-Anon principles to improve their own lives while coping with a loved one's drinking.

Al-Anon vs. AA

Al-Anon grew out of AA in the late 1940s, founded by Lois W. (wife of AA co-founder Bill W.) and her friend Anne B. While waiting for their partners during AA meetings, they realized they had much to discuss about their own experiences. These conversations led to the first Al-Anon meeting in 1948. The name "Al-Anon" was adopted in 1951, and the group uses a similar structure and philosophy based on the 12 Steps, with a strong emphasis on anonymity.

The 12 Steps in Al-Anon

The 12 Steps help members recognize what they can and cannot control, focusing on personal growth rather than changing the drinker. They include:

• Admitting powerlessness over the situation and seeking help from a "higher power" (which can be any force greater than oneself, including the group itself)
• Taking a personal inventory and addressing how one's own behavior may affect others
• Making amends and resolving past misunderstandings
• Maintaining these principles through ongoing practices like meditation and accountability

What to Expect at Al-Anon Meetings

Al-Anon meetings are free, anonymous, and come in several formats:

• Open meetings: Welcome to anyone interested in learning about Al-Anon
• Closed meetings: For members and prospective members only, offering a private space for sharing
• Discussion meetings: Focus on group sharing around a chosen topic
• Speaker meetings: Feature individuals sharing their personal stories
• Step meetings: Concentrate on studying and applying the 12 Steps

Online meetings are also widely available, providing flexibility and access for those who can't attend in person.

Pros and Cons of Al-Anon

Al-Anon has helped many, but it's not for everyone. Consider these points:

Pros:

• Emotional support from people who truly understand
• Shared wisdom and coping strategies
• A safe, non-judgmental space
• Anonymity and confidentiality
• No cost to participate

Cons:

• Group dynamics can vary—it may take trying a few to find the right fit
• The concept of a "higher power" may not resonate with everyone
• Philosophical differences with the 12 Steps can be a barrier for some
• Some may feel uncomfortable with certain teachings, like powerlessness or lifelong attendance

Alateen: Support for Younger Members

Alateen, established in 1957, is designed for teenagers affected by a family member's drinking. It uses the same 12 Steps and Traditions as Al-Anon but presents them in a way that's relevant to young people.

Pros of Alateen:

• Focuses on challenges specific to teens
• Provides peer support and reduces feelings of isolation
• Teaches age-appropriate coping strategies

Cons of Alateen:

• Limited availability in some areas
• Sharing in a group can be difficult for teens
• Logistical challenges in getting to meetings
• Confidentiality can be harder to maintain in a family setting

Other Support Options

If Al-Anon or Alateen isn't the right fit, consider:

• Other support groups: SMART Recovery Family & Friends (science-based) or Co-Dependents Anonymous (focus on relationship patterns)
• Therapy or counseling: Professional help tailored to your needs
• Online platforms and apps: Such as Quitemate, which offers support for those affected by someone else's drinking
• Books and podcasts: Resources like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

If You're in Recovery Too

If you're also on a personal recovery journey, remember:

• Set healthy boundaries: Avoid enabling while still offering support
• Prioritize self-care: Your well-being is essential—rest, eat well, and engage in activities you enjoy
• Build your own support network: Connect with others who understand, such as through communities like Quitemate

Moving Forward

Ultimately, we can't control others, but we can choose how we respond to our circumstances. As author Kami Garcia writes in Beautiful Darkness , “We don't get to choose what is true. We only get to choose what we do about it.” Whether through Al-Anon, therapy, or other resources, taking steps toward your own healing is a powerful choice.